Thursday, January 20, 2011

Todd Abbot Celebrates 41st Birthday -- in Loneliness!

Special to DFG ONLINE by Fawney Bologna

Poor Todd Abbot; the guy just doesn't seem to get any respect.  Todd Abbot turned 41 yesterday, but it looks like his chickens are finally coming home to roost as not a single person showed up to his birthday party.  The party was held at DFG Corporate HQ in the lunchroom.  It was planned by DFG social convenor Ima Partianimmal.  Invitations were sent out weeks in advance and a special cupcake (with candle) and party hat were even ordered for Todd, but sadly, there he sat, in the DFG lunchroom, with no one to help him celebrate.  Oscar Foodlecollins, DFG webmaster, passed by the lunchroom but did not go in.  When asked why he missed the party, Foodlecollins said, "I had to take a massive dump."  DFG president Dan Graves was out of the country on business and DFG VP Darryl Andrews, who heads up the DFG West office in Kelowna, BC was in Prince George preparing to open a satellite bullpen.  Ima Partianimmal was asked why she did not attend the party she convened: "I plan parties, I don't go to them.  I hate to mix work and pleasure."  But other DFG insiders said that Todd really has burned most of his bridges at DFG.  Some time ago he was involved in insurance fraud with the supposed death and disappearnce of his then-lover, DFG Colourist Flora Lovaratlot, then he faked his own death, and then there have been the numerous lawsuits he has filed against DFG, and of course, the failed hostile takeover bid. "The sad truth is," our inside source revealed, "that nobody really likes Todd. He's actually just a mean prick."  The DFG executive apparently sent this special birthday greeting to Todd: "Dear Todd.  Happy Birthday."  When contacted for elaboration on this curt message, DFG VP Darryl Andrews said, "We wished him a happy birthday.  I don't see how we can be criticized in any way.  That cupcake and hat took us $2.49 over budget on our hospitality account this year.  In a year that we have faced signficant fiancial hardships, I think Todd should be please at the recognition he has received."  We tried to reach Todd Abbot for comment, but we did not want to disturb him as he was found crying next to the DFG dumpster.

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