Breaking News -- DFG Legal Counsel Hospitalized!

By Cynthia Martin

Freelance Journalist

"Good Lord! No!" These were the words of Chief Augustus Smith last night, upon learning that DFG legal counsel, Sir Milton Goldfarbstein, had been hospitalized due to chest pains earlier that day. The condition of Sir Milton, an icon of the legal community, is currently unknown. Chief Smith made the following comment: "Obviously any health scare for Sir Milton is of great concern given his advanced age."

Sir Milton was born in 1873 in the small Kenyan village of Mbingo. His father was a British medical missionary and his mother, who died last year, was a gypsy fortune-teller. The family returned to England in the late in 1882, where Milton became the youngest person ever to earn a law degree. He was "called to the bar" in 1884, quickly becoming partner in a prominent London law firm. He is the last remaining Victorian QC. He was elected to the British Parliament in 1905 and after serving as an officer in the First World War, was knighted by King George V (grandfather of Queen Elizabeth II) in 1919 for exemplary service to the British Empire. He has the distinction of being the last living "Knight of the Garter" from the reign of King George V. He retired from his firm in 1939, just before the outbreak of the Second World War, but was pressed into service as an undercover agent for His Majesty's Secret Service for the duration of the War. As a retirement hobby, Sir Milton earned a PhD in Molecular Biology and has lectured widely on the subject. In the 1970's he authored the seminal work, Fun with Molecules: What the Microscope Can Teach Us About the Funny Bone. He lived as a recluse for many years until he was invited by DFG President, Dan Graves, to join the company as its legal counsel.

"The hospitalization for Sir Milton is a crushing blow for DFG, at the moment," added Chief Smith. Sir Milton & Chief Smith have been actively engaged in dealing with several legal problems faced by DFG in the recent days.

Please keep Sir Milton, his seventh wife Minnie, and their, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great-great grandchildren, and their dog Rufus in your prayers.