DFG Colourist is Hospitalized... Todd Abbot Keeps Vigil at her Bedside

By Cynthia Martin

Freelance Reporter

Tragic news greeted the comic book industry this morning as we learned of the hospitalization of DFG colourist, Flora Lovartalot. Ms. Lovartalot, who has been at DFG Comics for less than a year has taken the industry by storm with her bold style, appears to have been the victim of a freak accident at DFG corporate headquarters. Precise details of the accident are unclear at this hour, but an inside source at DFG corporate HQ has told this reporter that the tragic accident occured shortly after a late-night staff meeting. "Apparently," says the unidentified source, "Ms. Lovartalot left the meeting after receiving her latest assignment. She went to the inventory shelves to retrieve artwork for colouring and as she reached for the artwork, the whole shelf toppled onto her and she was crushed." DFG Comics has just moved into its new HQ and the shelf apparently contained hundreds of heavy boxes of artwork dating back to the early 1980's. "It was just awful," said Antiquda Recordafile, DFG's head researcher, "I heard a crash, came running out and all I could see was this shelf, piles of boxes, scattered comic book pages and poor Flora's arms and legs protruding from underneath the fallen shelving unit -- there was no screaming, all I could hear was poor Flora wimpering in pain." DFG co-publisher and Vice-President Darryl Andrews was reached for comment, "I'm certainly not commenting to the press on such vicious rumours of our corporate irresponsbility. Just get that microphone out of my face, NOW!" While DFG bosses weren't talking, I caught up with DFG legal counsel Sir Milton Goldfarbstein, QC, KG, LLB, PhD, who noted, "DFG can bear no legal responsiblility for Ms. Lovartalot's carelessness and colossal stupidity." Another source noted that due to the haphazard nature of the recent move, the new shelving had not been properly tethered to the wall. DFG janitor and maintenence manager, Ernest Wontellalie was questioned by this reporter about this apparent oversight, "Tethered? Tethered?" he said, "Does anybody actually pay attention to those IKEA instructions that say you have to tether a bookshelf to the wall? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. They're bookshelves for crying out loud... People need to be careful, bookshelves fall over sometimes... sheesh." And what of poor Ms. Lovartalot's condition? Dr. Mortificus P. Dulytle commented that she is in critical condition at Carnage City General Hospital and in the ICU. He would not give any further information other than that DFG comic book legend Todd Abbot was keeping vigil by her bedside. This seems to confirm other reports that Ms. Lovartalot & Mr. Abbot have become romantically involved in recent days. Mr. Abbot was reached on his cellphone at the hospital, "It's just another example of the corporate irresponsiblity exercised by this friggin' company...Somebody's gotta bring those jackasses down before someone else is hurt... They hide behind that Goldfarbstein clown and his friggin LLB and pretend all is well in the friggin' DFG universe, well I can tell you, it's not all well, Flora's clinging to her life, here! DFG is cursed, man!" Mr. Abbot was obviously referring to the reputed "DFG Curse." The so-called "DFG Curse" as been dubbed such by observers who have noted the various calamities that have struck DFG staff members over the past year (Darryl Andrews was assaulted by thugs who broke into his villa earlier this year and looted his priceless art collection, Sir Milton Goldfarbstein was hospitalized after a mysterious illness, and Todd Abbot was suspected of having Kaposi's Sarcoma as well). We will keep you posted on Ms. Lovartalot's condition as information becomes available.